


To feel that way anymore

by SpaceWahker



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 5x13, Bellarke, F/M, character conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 22:56:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceWahker/pseuds/SpaceWahker
Summary: 5x13 except the delinquents actually get to have conversations.Basically, the delinquents going into cryo. Raven puts Shaw under. Princess Mechanic have a chat. Minor Murven bants. Sad Octavia. Marper actually say farewell. And the Blarke goodbye we were robbed of.Also, 'the commander ordered me not to be' from Clarke's pov.





	To feel that way anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Jason. All I wanted was a Princess Mechanic talk. Like the telepathy was cool and all but dialog would have been nice.  
> I swear I'm trying not to be greedy, but you're making it hard.

"So that's it? Earth is gone?"

Bellamy, Raven, Echo, Monty and Harper stood gathered in the cockpit to the Eligius ship, reeling from the events that had previously transpired. Raven still sat in the pilot's seat, staring out at the burning rock that they had once called home.

"Yeah..." Raven replied absently to Echo's comment. Her gaze was blank. Harper too continued to stare. By her side, Monty was looking at the floor.

"What now? I mean," Echo shook her head, "there's no way we can sustain four-hundred people on this prison ship alone."

Getting no response, she looked around at the others. They were still staring. Bellamy, on the other hand, had wandered off to the side, and was observing McCreary's lifeless body. His head had been cracked open, but the psychotic man's eyes were still wide open, the faintest grin playing on his lips. Bellamy wondered what had been going on in his head before he died. Had he thought he was doing the right thing? Did he think he was clever? Or had he just been so wrapped up in his own world, he had neglected to recognise the real one? Whatever it was, he could say he was glad the man was dead.

"How did we end up back here?" Monty asked softly, looking out at space.

"Humans suck," Raven offered with a shrug, finally tearing her gaze from the orange planet.

Harper sighed. "It only took us a couple of weeks."

Echo snapped them out of their stupefaction. "Well, we'll all be dead in a couple of days if we don't start thinking of a way to get out of this mess."

"We'll need a group meeting," Harper began, "the bridge will do."

Raven nodded in agreement, "Shaw should be out of the medbay soon. He'll know the most about hythylodium. I'll go find him."

"Harper and I can take another look at the rations; give an assumption of how long we have left," said Monty, moving to leave.

Bellamy looked around. Even in the seeming order, something felt wrong; something was missing. He suddenly knew what he had to do. He started to follow Raven and the others out.

"Where are you going?" Echo questioned.

He turned over his shoulder to look at her. "I've got to go do something." _I've got to go make this right._ She nodded despite his vague words, but he still got the impression she somehow knew what he was saying, and that, in some strange Echo way, she understood.

-

The part of the job Clarke had always hated most wasn't the blood or gore, or even the pressure of a life-threatening situation. In fact, a part of her had always liked those; the challenge, the adrenaline, the feeling of outsmarting her peers, Wells' proud smile... No, it was the crying she'd hated. Even as Abby's apprentice on the Ark, she could only go so long in the same room as a devastated mother or weeping loved one before she would call in an early break. It was because of this Clarke had always known she could never be a doctor like her mother. So after two hours in the Eligius infirmary with the injured and wounded, she found herself sitting alone in the corridor, head in hands, mulling over everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours. In her silence, she could hear murmurs of conversation around her.

 

_It's gone. It's really gone._

_Please, where is she? Where is my wife?_

_Ma, I'm hungry._

_What do we do now?_

 

Those closest to her spoke in low voices, occasionally sneaking glances in her direction, quick to look away if she met their gaze. But she knew of what they spoke; that this was her fault, that she could have prevented this. She fiddled with nothing in particular, staring blankly at the floor. _Was this her fault?_ Their words started to fester in her mind. _If she'd never sided with McCreary... if Wonkru had won..._ She closed her eyes. _Not now, Clarke. Not now._ It wasn't safe to be alone with her words. She'd learnt that in isolation during those first few months after Praimfaya.

Even in a crowded spaceship, she'd never felt so alone. Wonkru, Eligius, she wasn't a part of either. Her friends, whose memories had kept her sane for six years, hated her. _She betrayed them. They had a right to hate her - she would hate her._ Even Madi, the one person who had been by her side for all those years, now had her own people. No longer did they only have each other. But while Madi had her people, Clarke had no one. And then there was Bellamy. Oh Bellamy. Clarke opened her eyes. It was too painful to think of him - of what they had become. Still, the thoughts sunk in anyway, eating away at her. _She'd left him for dead. Betrayed him worst of all._ The memory from mere hours ago, in which they had seen each other for the first time since Polis, replayed in her head.

_The commanders told you that?_

_No. Bellamy._

She'd looked up at him in surprise, but almost reflexively, he'd looked away. _He didn't even want to look at her._

She'd thought she was so angry at him for what he did for Madi, but upon learning he wasn't dead from Echo, it had all changed in a heartbeat. And she'd realised she never really was angry; rather she'd been heartbroken. Heartbroken that he'd put his family above hers. Heartbroken that he no longer cared.

She didn't want to feel that way anymore.

But he hated her, and she didn't know what to do with that. They'd never been this way. Their relationship had been twisted and tangled before, but never so bad that they couldn't get back.

Movement in the corner of her eye broke her train of thought, catching her attention. Glancing up, Clarke found Bellamy walking up to her. She shifted back in surprise, gaging his every reaction as he sat down beside her. She didn't know what to expect, but his casual demeanour managed to calm her nerves. Awkwardly moving to the side, she gave him a weak smile. Her heart wasn't in it.

"How's Murphy?"

Clarke relaxed. Talking about anything other than what was between them felt like a good option. "Jackson got both bullets. He'll be okay," she replied, nodding to herself. He too relaxed sightly at her answer and she continued on. "Cockroaches are hard to kill," she offered, trying to alleviate the tension. The callback to their friend's nickname brought a soft laugh to his lips. _If only it could be like this, everything would be alright_ , Clarke found herself thinking. "Emori's with him now. And Gaia's going to keep her leg."

All good news. He braced himself for the bad. "Kane?"

A dark look passed over her features. Her mother had been working non-stop to save him. "They put him in a drug-induced coma. I'm not sure why, but Jackson says there's not enough of the drug to keep him that way for long." She paused, then, "It doesn't look good."

For a moment, they sat in silence. 

"What if he didn't need the drug?" Clarke looked up, intrigued by his proposition. "I don't know much about cryo-sleep, but at least it'll keep him alive."

"That's brilliant," Clarke exclaimed, then jumped up, eager to bring the good news, "I'll tell my mom."

"Hey," his voice stopped her tracks and she turned back around. For a moment, she held her breath. "When you've finished, come to the bridge. We're deciding the fate of the human race - again. You should be there."

His offer struck her for a moment. _He wanted her there? After all she'd done?_ She paused for a second, unsure of what to say. But she already knew. As much as she wished it were true; they couldn't dance around the conversation forever.

Yet, even as the words left her mouth, she braced herself for impact - for what he might say. "You're not mad at me for leaving you in Polis?"

He paused, seemingly unsure of what to say, of what might be too much or too little. Then he smiled slightly, shrugging. "The commander ordered me not to be."

_He's deflecting_. Still, she couldn't help the feeling of relief that flooded her senses. They'd have time - after everything - time to just talk one day. And for the first time sinceshe'd left Polis, she didn't feel so alone. Her tone was of hope when she replied, almost bobbing with emotion, "I'll meet you on the bridge."

-

"Ugh," Emori moaned in satisfaction, "it's so nice to wear something different for a change." She stretched out lazily in the Eligius clothes, relishing in the soft material.

Harper hummed in agreement.

"Ten years of sleep," Murphy lay down in his pod, looking up at Emori fondly, "Now _this_ has been long overdue."

The others all murmured in agreement. From across the row, Clarke smiled quietly to herself. She stood apart from the group, brushing Madi's hair with her back to them, even though all the knots were long gone by now. She still didn't know where they stood, but she knew it hurt to not be able to join them. Down the hall, Octavia lay in silence, staring at the roof, listening too.

"Clarke," Murphy called out to her, and she turned around to see them all looking at her. She realised she suddenly felt very uncomfortable. "Is this still going to suck this bad when I wake up?" He motioned to the bandages at his torso and shoulder.

Grateful for something to say, she gave a smile. "Well, yeah. It'll still feel like a bullet hole if that's what you're asking, and there's always the possibility of something else going wrong - I mean, we still don't know how cryo works and how it takes to injury - but you'll probably survive."

They stood in silence for a fraction of a second, but in that moment Clarke wished very much she'd picked her pod on the other side of the ship if it meant escaping this.

Then, "Damn, Griffin. Couldn't of softened the blow a little?" He said sarcastically, but not without humour.

"She means suck it up, Murphy." Raven jumped in with a smirk.

"Harsh, Reyes. Harsh."

"Guess this is it then," Emori said as she adjusted his bandage, "see you soon, John."

"Sweet dreams." Were his last words before his pod froze over.

Soon, Raven had put Emori into cryo beside Murphy, and Bellamy lay Echo to the left. Clarke tried her best to avert her attention from the couple and their conversation, but she couldn't help the hollow feelinggrowing inside as they promised to see each other again. She occupied herself with Madi.

Then it was Shaw's turn.

As he settled into the foam mat of the pod, he gulped. "Still hate this part," he muttered under his breath.

"You've done this what, twice now?" Raven teased, smirking.

"Doesn't get any easier."

"You've been tortured, shocked and beaten, yet this is what scares you." She said in disbelief, a strange look in her eyes.

He closed his eyes, "we all have our weaknesses," then he opened one, staring up at her face, "well, you probably don't, but the rest of us normal humans do."

As she pushed the button to close the pod, she smiled once more. "You're cute when you're scared."

He gave her a look.

As Bellamy was busy talking with Harper, and Monty hugging a rather confused Miller, Clarke found herself approaching Raven.

"Need any help?" Clarke offered, biting the inside of her cheek as she waited for the other girl's response. They hadn't had the best of reunions.

Raven eyed her for a second, then nodded, jumping onto one of the pods on the second level.

Clarke started to type in her name, talking as she did so, "Shaw seems... friendly." But even as Clarke began to speak, she realised she wasn't sure where her boundaries with Raven were, and her words simply trailed off into nothing.

For a moment, they stood in silence, then Raven spoke up. "I'm glad you're alive, Clarke." Her tone was sincere, firm, her brown eyes set into the blonde's blue ones. "I really am, and when we first saw each other again... I'm sorry."

This was the moment Clarke had been dreaming of for six years, but it all felt so wrong. The way they had come to this - broken to begin with - was wrong. Tears threatened to spill over her eyes. Choking down emotion, Clarke shook her head, "No, I'm sorry. I gave you over to McCreary. That was my fault."

But Raven wouldn't let her take the blame again. Not for this one. "I threatened Madi. What you did, it makes sense." When she saw Clarke wouldn't take her apology, she pressed on. "You're a different Clarke than the one from six years ago. You have a kid now." She laughed slightly and a tear fell down her cheek, "That's pretty badass."

"Can we just... meet again?"

"Yeah, I'd like that. When we wake, you've got to introduce me to Madi though. Properly. I want to know all about this little commander that's causing so much trouble."

After a while, nearly everyone was asleep and only Clarke, Bellamy, Monty and Harper were awake. The latter duo doing a final sweep of the ship.

Bellamy sat down on his pod as Clarke walked over. While he glanced around the quiet room, she began to type his information in.

Bellamy Blake. 29.

She paused, her fingers hovering over the numbers. Six years was a long time. Time they'd never get back. A part of her ached at the thought.

"Hey, how tall are you?"

He turned his attention back to her and the screen.

"Five, ten."

She finished the details. "All done." She looked up and he met her gaze. He had a strange look on his face. With all the time in the world, Clarke suddenly found herself with too many questions. She couldn't hold back, not anymore.

"What did Madi say? Outside the ship?" His reasoning left too many unanswered questions.

He looked unsurprised. "She told me about the radio calls."

Clarke took a deep breath, suddenly feeling like she'd lost her footing. She looked at the floor. "Bellamy, if the reason you forgave me is because you feel guilty... it was stupid. It's not your fault. I didn't expect you to hear them."

Eyes averted, she wasn't sure what he would say. "Clarke," the soft tone nearly made her look up again, "I wasn't angry at you for leaving. I... I just thought you didn't care."

That made her look up. _Was he that oblivious?_

"But after what Madi said... Clarke, why didn't you tell me."

"I nearly did," she admitted, "Madi kept me alive, but when the only other person in the world in a six year old... well, talking to someone - talking to you - kept me sane."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"When we wake, we'll sort this out."

Clarke nodded, but still she worried, "What if something goes wrong and we never wake up?"

Bellamy shrugged, a faint smile playing on his lips, "Eons with Clarke Griffin doesn't sound too bad."

When Bellamy was put to sleep and Clarke remained alone in the quiet hall, she walked over silently to her pod. With a lingering look to Madi, she hopped in.

"Clarke," Monty's voice made her turn around. He was walking in with Harper.

"Hey."

Harper helped her in and typed in her information, but before she went to sleep, the two stopped her. Monty pulled her in for a hug, and surprised, she took a moment to hug the boy back.

"We just wanted to say goodbye."

Clarke smiled, "This isn't goodbye."

"Well just in case." Monty replied, and when he broke away, she saw tears in his eyes.

"We talked to the others too," Harper assured her. Then she too hugged Clarke. Overwhelmed, she patted the other girl's back. "Thank you," Harper said quietly into her shoulder, "for everything."

Nodding, Clarke lay down. "Don't worry, I'll see you guys in a moment."

"Yeah. Of course." Monty nodded. "Of course."

And they sent her to sleep.

In what would feel like a moment, 125 years would pass, and they would soon come to understand everything upon meeting a certain bubbly boy, for:

 

"That's the way Mom and Dad wanted it."


End file.
